New Seasons

Wow, hi everyone! I haven't written in quite some time. Why? Not sure. Life's been busy, and it hasn't seemed like a priority. I journal frequently because it's the way I process. However, I realized I created this blog to share with others in hopes my hardships, my joys, and what the Lord is teaching me might be an encouragement.

That said - this transition from one season to the next has been hard, and it's not over yet.

Life update: I graduated from UTK in May! GO VOLS! It was a whirlwind of a month, and I felt like I could barely catch my breath between finals, my senior thesis, finishing my internship, job searching, spending every spare moment with friends, and just reveling in my last weeks as an undergraduate student. There were many joyous laughs as well as overwhelmed tears had in the month of May. And honestly, it took me until now to fully process the reality of graduating, the support I was given all 4 years, the emotions attached to my time at UT, and so much more.

Soon after graduation, I moved out of my apartment, which was incredibly hard in and of itself. I have been so blessed the last 2.5 years with incredible roommates who became my best friends. After some traumatic living experiences, I was apprehensive moving in with 2 people I didn't know super well. We were merely acquaintances at the beginning of our junior year, but by the end of senior year, they were the ones who knew my heart wholly, prayed with me, laughed with me and encouraged me on a daily basis. Not only that, but they were the first ones I wanted to call when anything, good or bad, occurred. So, it's quite the understatement to say that moving out was hard because it was more than that. It was the closing of a chapter that I didn't want to end. However, I gained two life-long friends, and I'm forever thankful.

After move out, I went on a 2-week European adventure with my parents! All I can say is WOW. I hadn't traveled internationally since I studied abroad in 2015, and it reminded me how much I love exploring new cultures, learning, and traveling with people I love. Many miles were walked, many cappuccinos and pastries were had, and much history was learned. We visited Italy, Slovenia, Austria, and Germany. I'm writing an entirely separate post about this trip because there was just so much I want to say!

If you want to hear about my reunion with sweet friends after 4 years apart and my mom's reunion of her own in Germany after 40 years, check out my next post coming soon.

Now, here's what I REALLY want to talk about (long-winded, sorry not sorry). Recently, I realized how symbolic moving out of my apartment was. Although I didn't want this chapter of college to end, life moved forward despite my feelings, and I realized that's often how the Lord molds us. He tells us to take the next step, make the next move even when we don't feel ready, in-control, or equipped because it teaches us to lean on Him.

YES. To LEAN on HIM.

I'm sorry, what? Lean on who for what?

Dependence is hard for me; I'm generally a very self-sufficient person who tries to do most things by myself before asking for help. Right now, in a LOT of varying avenues, the Lord is forcing me to depend on Him, and it's uncomfortable and vulnerable. I feel raw emotionally many days due to the overwhelming amounts of change I'm going through. And, through this, I'm realizing being uncomfortable and vulnerable isn't a weakness like society teaches us.

Bear with me. Did anyone else read the iconic 2 Corinthians 12:9 in Vacation Bible School a million times but never fully understood it? Yeah, me too. It's only in the last few years that I've truly understood what this verse means, and I still have new revelations about it. It says:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

After a few mental breakdowns and some soul searching, I realized how I've been ignoring the following truth. It's when we allow Jesus to help, comfort, and lead us that we become who He created us to be. We are strong in our weakness. When I finally lay down my pride (after 10,000 stubborn internal arguments) and tell Jesus that I can't do whatever-it-is solo anymore, what does He do?

He doesn't say, "I told you so."

He doesn't say, "You're an idiot."

He doesn't say, "What a failure."

He, instead, graciously embraces me and says, "Welcome back! I love you so much. Let me help you figure this out. Sit with me. Tell me what's going on."

It reminds me so much of the prodigal son when he returns home expecting his father to reject him, expecting that he will have to work in the fields for his family. But, instead, his father welcomes him home with open arms and a celebration. Of ALL things, a celebration!! I often think that straying from the Gospel, like the prodigal son, means this huge, blow-up event where I choose to walk away from God completely. When, in reality, I walk away from God every day, sometimes multiple times a day. The instances where I genuinely believe I have control and can accomplish things on my own is a form of rebellion and says to God, "I'm fine. I don't need you. I can do this myself." That rebellion hurts my relationship with the Lord and leads me to believe, sometimes for weeks or months, that I've got this - until He gently reminds me, often when my will power has failed, that my identity is not in my self-sufficiency. He doesn't do it by reprimanding me, but by gently waiting for me to return and loving me unconditionally. By the world's standards, we expect anger when we leave someone or something and then return for whatever reason. The thing is - the Lord will never be angry with us, and until you understand that, my friends, you won't ever understand grace. And let me tell you, I'm learning over and over again that my identity is connected to Him in every way, shape, and form. Also, my self-sufficiency not only tears me away from God but allows me to keep others at arms-length, not letting them see the softer side of me, the I'm-not-put-together, and the I'm-massively-struggling side. What a shame that is because I'm unintentionally hiding half of who I am from those I love, and I don't believe that's what Jesus would want any of us to do.

What about you? Are you comfortably self-sufficient like me? Do you struggle with depending on the Lord or even just opening up to your friends/family about what's really going on with you?

I think society tells us often that we have to act like we're perfect with no flaws in order to be accepted, known, and loved, and I'm here to tell you: that's a lie. I'm sick of that narrative, so let's change it. Let's lean into the uncomfortable and the vulnerability, shall we?